Big Laws

by Peter Schwartz

Gregory Sutherland had not chose a career in law with idealistic aspirations of changing the world.  Many of his classmates at Southwestern University wanted to save the environment or hunt down deadbeat dads but not Gregory, Gregory wanted money.

Yet as the years wore on him, he handled cases that hurt and offended even his loose conscience until eventually he felt the need to do something righteous.  There was one problem though.  He was a defense lawyer and most of his clients were powerful drug lords or slightly less powerful white collar criminals.  The only strategy for making the world a better place would be to do his job badly which would merely bother a different part of his conscience. 

On Tuesday, January 9th at about 10:30AM, he sat at his desk reading some single-line summaries his secretary had written about some upcoming cases. “J.S.  accused of finding his spouse cheating on him and selling her into white slavery somewhere in Thailand.”  “L.P. caught with a man’s head in the trunk of his Rolls Royce.”  “T.D. charged with 3 separate counts of rape and one aggravated assault”.  Gregory had read and handled worse cases but for some reason, on this particular day, he freaked.

He told his secretary he was taking the rest of the day off and walked straight to the closest Walmart, a place he had never in his whole life entered before. After buying a few odd items, he then walked to a small sex toy shop called Wicked Treats.

Gregory then took a train to Greenway Park.  He headed straight for the public restroom where he entered a stall and changed.  When he walked out of the stall he was carrying a paint ball gun in his hand.  He wore a light pink sun dress with a large black strap-on dildo on the outside.  As he yelled random phrases like “Thar she blows!” and “Penny saved is a penny earned,”  he shot victim after victim; be it man, woman, or child, he cared not.

After he shot a grandmother using a walker, a few men charged and tackled him, holding him down until an utterly baffled cop arrived. He giggled maniacally as the officer read him his rights.  Gregory had a few friends who specialized in using the insanity defense.  He wondered vaguely what life at a psychiatric hospital would be like then admonished himself for thinking too far ahead.  The important thing was he was free. 

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