Caravan
by Sarah Hilary
Horse fair’s in town again. You know what that means. Police tape at the roadsides, tinkers in the lanes. Tesco’s got security caps on all the bottles of Diamond White, like that’ll put the swine off. They’ll swipe anything’s not bolted down. Weetabix, weed-killer, you flaming name it.
They’re pulling that stunt with the fortune-telling; filthy horses choreographed at the crossroads, grandma out on a camping stool, all gold hoops and vinegary skin. ‘Cross me palm with silver, lovey?’ Not bloody likely, seeing as I’d catch listeria just looking at you. Dog with three legs, mange the colour of marmalade. Someone wants to get out the RSPCA. Hedgerows hung with washing, plastic geraniums in window-boxes, something that looks like an aspidistra out on the step, disgusting old bitch keeps polishing it with a piece of cloth that’s probably the crotch out of someone’s knickers.
And the caravans. Blow me, the caravans. They keep that Romany bollocks for the tourists; most of them’ve top of the range motor-homes. Ace Airstream 630 EK? You’re looking at the thick end of forty thousand pounds, there. And here’s me with my Crusader Typhoon, and I’m thinking what’s the bloody point? Work all your life, pay your taxes and your mortgage and for what? So you can sit at home, shitting yourself with nerves twice a year in case these bastards decide to break in and steal all the stuff you’ve spent your hard-earned cash buying?
Prayed for rain, thinking at least they’d get their tyres stuck; those verges are nine parts mud. But the buggering council only went and put down tarmac, didn’t they? They’ve got it made for life. Ace Airstream 630. Double-glazing, satellite TV, you name it. I’m thinking of packing it in and joining them. What d’you reckon?
November 4th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
This is excellent. Well observed and very funny.
The tone of unthinking predjudice has been captured perfectly.
Well done.
Best
John
November 4th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Fantastic read, with a voice that makes you cringe in horror while grinning a little ashamedly. As John said, you’ve so perfectly captured that tone of unthinking prejudice.
November 4th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Ah, the voice of Middle England, acute, prejudiced, funny despite all that (”Weetabix, weed-killer, you flaming name it”), non-com or sales rep at the pub, dash of envy, splash of malice. Paul Dacre would give you a job on the spot, aren’t you scared? Terrific.
November 4th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Wonderful story, funny and spot on!
November 4th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Sarah - the whiff of prejudice is strong in this - you’ve captured the unthinking rant very well. But still you do it with humour, and make more of a point. Wonderful read and funny too.
November 6th, 2007 at 1:48 am
Such a perfect humour-filled capture of a mindset. Brilliant writing as always, Sarah!
June 16th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Thanks, Camille!
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