Go Ask Alice
by Linda Rosenkrans
i’m watching you eat
at a snail’s pace
i’m getting so impatient
it’s getting on my nerves
you
totally unaware
of you’re outside
surroundings
the world revolves
around you
you
and you’re pain
you and you’re
oxycodone high
i want to shove the food
down your throat
hurry up
god damn it!
i need an oxycodone!
i feel guilty about my feelings
it’s not your fault
life has dealt you with
the pain card
everything becomes dizzy
i know you’re addicted
i don’t know for sure
if it’s the pain that calls
or the poppy seed euphoria
the pain pills
the pain kills
you begin to nod off
head slumped
over your chest
barely holding on
to your fork
spaghetti slipping
onto your lap
i bang the table with my fists
you awake with a start
nodding your head yes
pretending to
contribute
to the conversation
“You didn’t even hear what I said!”
“Yes I did.”
“What?”
mumble, mumble
eyes doing that
dopey blinking thing
head falling down
than up
down
than up
thinking
i don’t notice
any of this
in a moment of clarity
you scream at me
adamantly protesting
that you heard
every word I said
this makes me
so angry
snap out of it!
pain go away,
methodone go away
stop intruding into our lives!
i want to blame you
I’m so mad
i don’t know
who to scream at
fuck you god!
why can’t you just be mom again?
the one who used to
laugh about gasers,
gossiping about the neighbor’s
recent phyllis dillard facelift,
power walking along the
manhattan beach strand together,
holding hands and meditating together
outside in the back yard
underneath the full moon
chanting
om mani pademe hum
you’re gone
i don’t know you
anymore
who are you?
where did you go?
i just want you back.
mommy come back
mommy come back!
the lilies
you said
they don’t worry
but
that’s all I do
I don’t know what to do
How do I take away your pain?!
How do I take away your pain?!
I love you mommy.
September 3rd, 2007 at 4:30 pm
Linda,
A lot went down between us, but I am so sorry – so so sorry you’re dealing with this. I try to still keep up with your writing, I’m trying to understand and sometimes when I read a piece from you more things make sense. I miss you and feel bad that the things happened between us the way they did.
April 6th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Hi Candy, Hi Rubitutes! The tears are streaming down my cheeks. I just happened to check out some of my old writings, and discovered you had left me a message. I am sooo sorry too! I don’t know what happened. An unexpected car crash, that I never expected coming. It took me a while to recuperate from that, but I never stopped loving you. You were my rock in high school, sometimes my only reason for living. You could always make me laugh, you could always give me a reason through your friendship to keep going on. I love you Christa, and thank you for all the happiness you gave me during those grim years in high school. Remember, we used to be like two peas in a pod, two blonds bumping heads in class to pick up a pen—remember? I too, have kept up with your writing, and was over joyed when I found out you were published in the Umbrella. I wish you all the best, and hope that some day you will find this.
Love you 4 ever,
Barbee
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