Tealeaf
by Paul Kavanagh
I’m walking home and it’s raining. And the rain gets me thinking about how life’s so short. You fart in your mother’s hand and then you give up the ghost. It’s that quick. So the rain is coming down and it’s dark and there’s a slight wind picking up. This is the norm, I don’t get it, I keep asking the wife how come we live in such a place, I heard you can live for a week on a pound in Africa, that’s what I don’t get, we’re skint, cold and wet all the time. So why don’t we just pack up and move to Africa? She never answers me; she turns up the television, or puts some food in the microwave or makes a brew. Away, I’m walking home and it’s raining and cold. The only light comes from electric street lamps because now everybody has curtains that are like steel shutters were no light escapes and no light penetrates. It’s that fake light that puts the creepers up you. Shadows dancing, kids glue sniffing, drinking cider, I once came upon this young school thing blowing this kid off. He didn’t even have hairs around the thing. You’ve got to keep an eye on those kids, drop you for a pound they will. They’re shagging, thieving, sniffing, and bloody vandalizing everything. It’s raining and it’s cold and there they are standing around drinking from bottles, necking, touching, sniffing, the lot. They should make a den for themselves, that’s what we did. We built this den out of rubbish, crap, the lot. It was wonderful. It had two rooms. We built this thing on the wastelands behind the tower blocks. One room was for sniffing and drinking and the other room was for shagging. I’ll never forget when Sue said eat me out and so I did and then she screams bloody murder because I bit her with me teeth. I ask you how can you eat without teeth, I can’t take them out, they’re not false. She should have said lick. Anyway I can’t go over to them and say hey build a den because if I did they would drop me. Think I’m some perv I bet. Anyway I’m walking home and it’s raining and its freezing and cars are flying past me and nobody’s going to stop and ask me if I need a ride home. Yes, they know me, know that I’m a decent chap, but still nobody will stop. And I can’t go to The Ship because De Silva’s been drinking in there a lot and I owe him a tenner. So I’ve just got to keep walking.
And out of the darkness comes Billy Woodcock. Nocock he was baptized in The Ship. He’s walking quickly but it’s not on account of the rain and cold. He’s one of those speed freaks. He’s thin as a rake and death is playing table tennis in his orbs, the players standing in each orb. The first time I saw the game I nearly pissed me pants. Anyway Nocock is humming, his hands playing with his sack and he sees me. It always happens when I’m in a hurry to get home. The wife’s got me tea in the microwave and the kettle is boiling and the street is just about to start. Anyway he quits his humming and stops when he sees me. Well he don’t really stop, he dances on the spot and looks me up and down. The looking up and down he can’t help. He’s not a fashion victim; he just can’t help looking me up and down. He once got dropped for this looking up and down thing. I was standing in the Locomotion and Louie Bellow was drinking and in walks Nocock and he starts the looking up and down thing. Well, Louie Bellows been watching that Chuck Liddell on the Satellite kicking the shit out of everybody. Anyway Nocock is looking Louie Bellows up and down and making him nervous. Louis thinks that Nocock is looking at his cock. So he downs a rocket and does the old onetwo and drops Nocock like a sack of spuds. I need to get that Satellite. So anyway he’s looking at me shoes, me cock and me balding head. The Ship looks good tonight, he screams. Come on and I’ll buy. I can’t I tell him the wife’s cooking me tea and the street is about to start. Come on man let’s go to The Ship. I won’t lie, but I would love to go to Ship, it’s raining it’s cold and I know the wife is making some foreign shit. With lot’s of that garlick shit. But I can’t. I’ve got to get home. I don’t want to tell him about De Silva and the tenner. Listen, he says. Listen he says again. I’ve not slept a wink. I’ve been up all night. Why? Me and Phil Winnie we’re on the job. We do next door but they’ve already been done by some crack heads so there’s nothing left. So we goes down to Wilmot Estate. You know with all the big houses. Anyway I do the old stick through the letterbox trick and open the door like. That reminds me I must buy a chain lock. Anyway he goes on about how Winnie and he goes creeping through the house seeking the goods. It’s a shithole I tell you, cobwebs everywhere, damp, and cold. A right mess it is. He pulls a face and spits on to the ground. He’s going to leave footprints on the concrete I tell you dancing on the spot. So Winnie goes into the front room and I go upstairs. I come upon all this gold and silver. Bingo! I leg it down stairs and enters the front room and there’s Winnie talking to some old dear about the weather. She thinks Winnie’s her lost son returned. She’s asking about Sidney, the kids, Macy, the lot. Winnie’s laughing and going along with her. She’s so happy and so I make a brew and she thinks I’m Macy. She keeps telling me how lovely I look; that the sun is doing wonders to me skin and the diet is really working. I think Macy must be a fat cow. Anyway we stay all night talking, drinking tea. We even play cards. Now I know this sound crazy but I put the gold and silver back. I couldn’t take it. In fact I hid it just in case the cracks get in there. I can’t believe what I was hearing. I could fall through the concrete. I feel as though Louis Bellows had done the one-two on me. Now let’s go for a drink, he says. I tell him I’ve no money. No worries he says pulling out a wad of money and holding it up to his nose. I’m all confused, wet and cold and me belly’s groaning. Lend me a tenner, I ask. And he does just like that. How? I won it all last night playing cards.