Nothing inspires getting drunk like reality TV. Fox's newest is an uber makeover show called "Renovate My Family!". This is the same network that aired "The Swan" last spring, so I really can't say with confidence that Fox has hit a new low, but in a way it has.

Jay McGraw is the show's host. He's Dr. Phil's kid. Dr. Phil is famous 'cause he's real smart and he says so, and he helps people with their problems. Sometimes he has to get a little mean about the help he gives. Anyway, Jay's hosting the show because "Because" Hmmm. Well, Jay's hosting the show, and i's a big bad makeover show. What are they making over? Hang with me, and you're going to start having some really special feelings - I promise.

The premiere family to be made over is the Biggins family. Mom is Goth, and so's her fiance. They even play in a Goth band. One of the two teenaged daughters seems to lean somewhat gothward, but the other one, no way. Just your average kid. The school age son is into Japanese Anime.

The kids are in on the impending visit from Jay & Co., but mom and fiance are surprised. Jay shows up, and asks mom and fiance whether they're ready to be made over - the entire family, the house, all of it. Mom, fiance and kids are all star struck. This has to be the case since no one asks, "Who asked you to be here? And why is your dad such an asshole?"

The house is first on the list. It has all manner of Goth accoutrements, which all seem to be in good fun. But the dwelling is a bit shabby, and a makeover couldn't hurt. Okay, clear out the family, and bring the designer team in! Wait, you're going to do some rebuilding? Okay, bring on the designer team and the contractors! Hey, hold on there! You're tearing the fucking house down and building a new one??? With a swimming pool in the backyard?

While this is happening, Jay decides it's high time that mom and fiance tied the knot. Will all the Biggins need to be made over for the event? You betcha.

Time for another beer? You betcha.

At odd intervals, the cameras flash on the hot young blonde triplets. Huh? you think, and rightly so. They are there, obviously, to sex up the show. If you think about it, though, the age old fantasy of twins getting it on is gross, even if they're hot. The thought of triplets doing each other is even grosser. The triplets don't seem to be particularly skilled in any area, although they're rather good at jumping up and down and making their breasts bounce all over.

So, as I am swigging at another beer, I figure out why the blonde triplets are there. Their job, apparently, is to make you jump into the shower and scrub your skin till it's raw. All the Biggins get made over. For some reason, kind-of-Goth girl doesn't have eyebrows, or they're screwed up. No biggie. They give her new ones. Goth mom loses the black hair and bangs and chin stud. Though I've been steadily pounding beers since the back ho started pulling the house down, I can see that Jay is the wedding's MC. But nobody stands up and says, "Who the hell are you? And why is your dad such an asshole?"

They take the Biggins family back to the house. The old one was torn down a week ago, and already the new one stands in its place, fully furnished and decorated. Kind-of-Goth girl's room is done in a Zen sty le. Ordinary teenage girl has a more straightforward room. Can't remember what Goth mom and new husband's room looked like, but the kitchen has a sushi prep counter atop a long aquarium. A wall fountain gurgles in the background. Japanese Anime boy has an Anime of his own likeness on one of his bedroom walls, done by a famous artist.

Kind-of-Goth girls gets a scholarship to a local community college to pursue a nursing degree. I can't remember what help ordinary girl or Anime boy get (memory's really starting to get shaky here).

Just when I think Jay & Co. have left no stone unturned, I begin to hear about how the cars have been made over. Not-Goth-anymore mom's gets a basic but thorough overhaul. New husband's truck, though - like everything else in this evil show - goes soaring over the top. Flames have been painted on the front, the wheels sport rims that alone cost a fortune, and on the back is painted a likeness of Not-Goth-anymore mom, though she's looking pretty Goth in the rendering.

Before I hear another nauseatingly over-the-top detail, I dash from the room - a little unsteadily, but with a world of resolve - back to the kitchen, for another beer.