An eerie light played on the wall above my bed. It was not the usual dance of shadow and light from the blowing tree branches outside my window. That phenomenon was something I’d gotten used to since arriving at Pine Knoll Sanitarium. This was a focused beam, a triad of colors, bright yellow, green, and red, moving slowly across the room like a search-light scanning for an escaped convict. Too frightened to reach for the nurse’s call-button, the only parts of me that dared move were my eyes as they traced the movement of the beam coming closer, closer…

The beam found my face and hovered briefly before engulfing my face. Though I tried to will my arms and hands to bring my bed-covers over my head, they remained as before, petrified and unresponsive. With the same motivated effort, I tried to force my eyelids to close, to protect me from the intrusion, but it was no use. The colored array of light split itself into two narrow, piercing arrows and simultaneously bore into my eyes.

The connection was made between me and the unknown force. The thumping of my heart that just seconds ago deafened me to all else, ceased, as did all sound. I was transported to an abyss. It was neither ascension nor descension, neither falling nor climbing. Although I could not see it, I knew the empty shell that was my body still lay on the bed.

There were other spirits here; I could feel them, sense them. The abyss seemed to accept my essence with a feeling of reverence. As they are, I had become.

A thin white veil appeared illuminating the infinite aperture, endlessly stretching out further than my mind’s eye could comprehend. Displayed upon it was my life, the scenes revealing themselves one at a time, mere flashes, as if running on fast-forward.

Within seconds, the reflections slowed to the most recent events. Even though I knew the outcome, I observed the events with a mixture of interest and dread.

~ ~ ~

The alarm clock beside my bed went off and I didn’t hit the snooze button even once. I had to get to work early to catch up on the piles of work waiting for me.

After showering, I quickly dressed, picked up my purse and car keys and headed out the door. It was still dark out which was typical for late October at 6:30 a.m. I flipped on the car’s headlights as soon as I got behind the wheel and waited momentarily for the defroster to clear the windshield. As soon as a small patch cleared my view, I navigated the driveway, stopped and waited for a car to pass before turning left on Washington.

There was little traffic so I drove faster than usual. Out of nowhere, a cat dashed across the road. I slammed on the brakes, causing the car to fish-tail. Fighting to regain control, I steered hard to the left, then right, then left again. A sudden, slamming, force, jolted me forward, hard, and the sound of compressing metal, clanking and chinking rang in my ears. The smell of gasoline and burnt rubber filled the air. Smoke rose from the overturned vehicle as the motion finally came to a stop at the base of an ancient tree.

As the car crash and the aftermath played in full view on the veil, I relived each agonizing moment. I was placed on the stretcher and put into the ambulance where the paramedics valiantly fought to stabilize me. Then I’m in the O.R. where three surgeons labored intensely to try and put me back together. There’s blood on the operating table. Lots of blood.

The painful scenes of my life then swiftly brought into view my existence at Pine Knoll. Paralyzed from the waist down, and brain-damaged from the accident, my parents could neither take care of my physical or psychological needs. Pine Knoll, they felt, was the only choice.

My parents’ visits were rare, as they could not bear to see me in "that condition". Those parts of me that were not already dead, were dying. I watched on the wispy screen as hope and the will to live ebbed from the once vibrant and healthy young woman before me.

The veil faded away.

~ ~ ~

The alarm clock beside my bed went off and I didn’t hit the snooze button even once. I had to get to work early to catch up on the piles of work waiting for me.

After showering, I quickly dressed, picked up my purse and car keys and headed out the door. It was still dark out which was typical for late October at 6:30 a.m. I flipped on the car’s headlights as soon as I got behind the wheel and waited momentarily for the defroster to clear the windshield. As soon as a small patch cleared my view, I navigated the driveway, stopped and waited for a car to pass.

As I waited, it occurred to me that I had promised to buy donuts for the crew today. I turned right on Washington. In the rearview mirror I saw a triad of twinkling lights. Yellow, green, and red.